Appropriately Honest

I have, probably for the last...well 8 years, been doing this up and down thing.

With the exception of the 4 months I lived at my parents house before moving to Los Angeles and slightly turned into a hermit. But even still at that time I was up and down about job searching and I was going to Milwaukee and San Diego and New Orleans and St. Louis. I was not on any particular schedule at all. I was up and down in ending and starting relationships and friendships and school and work and sisters with the same last name and, well, about everything.

I was leaving and reentering. I was excited and then recovering.

I was searching for stability but afraid to find it.

The ups and downs come about after high school of course when the doors for ups and their consequences are wide open. And at that time the downs are easier to deal with for the most part because everyone is just trying to figure it out too. And everything seems very far off in the future. And the safety net knowing that your next four years are mapped out means that everything you do in the present is what you need and can be doing at that time.

And because people are pretty darn resilient right of high school. Physically and mentally.

But somewhere along the way your body starts to get wicked bad hangovers and your relationships stop being so surface level and all the sudden you start to have some stability. And then people try to keep that stability. They feel healthier. More well rounded. Safe.

Safe is not synonymous with boring or bad but sometimes I'm afraid it is. To me? Because when I find stability I want it to stay good and strong and I want to be in it for real. And happy in it. And not feel trapped in it.

But stability is like a unicorn anyways.

And I want my cake and I want to eat it too! And I suppose I was afraid I couldn't have both. But that's just a really silly thought, really.

I always see it like blood glucose. Regulating blood sugars makes you feel good. You operate well. You pick good foods and you eat enough of them and in return you feel good. You try to avoid having your sugars peak and bottom out.

People have asked me how I like LA. I'd like to think that when I talk to someone, even someone I don't particularly know well, I'm pretty honest. I mean, there is what I like to say “appropriately honest.” I believe that people, for the most part, like positive people and responses. And I think for the most part, people who are answering questions about “how's married life, how's your new job, how's your move far from everything you've known....?” would like to give people an answer that makes them sound positive and put together. Advertise what they want people to think of them, so to speak.

Or rather just not make someone feel uncomfortable.

I like when its a little real. That does not mean that it's not positive. You can be positive and real. Real is not synonymous with negative. Real may seem more noticeable during the reentry and recovery. Like when you're Really trying desperately to find a nice balance between up and down or just avoiding coming down so hard. But real can be “pinch my cheek” I can't believe this is real, good.

The comedown is usually necessary to keep people on some sort of healthy path. If we could all do what we wanted all day it may lead to bankruptcy or liver disease or separation anxiety. But if bankruptcy or liver disease or separation anxiety didn't exist …? Well then would the up be so uplifting?

It's like trust fund babies ODing on heroine..

There is something very unsatisfying with the present when the present is on the comedown side of life. Maybe it's that dissatisfaction that keeps people pushing for new things. Better things.

It's that necessary evil. We can't cook life-changing, magical meals all the time because we can't afford the ingredients and the time. And we don't want to clean it all up afterward. That's why they're so magical. Because they're special.

Responding to “how do I like LA...” may be answered like “The highs are really fun and amazing and the lows are kind of lonely.” I don't regret moving here. I was not ready to “settle down” in my past life. I don't think LA is for me permanently but it's an experience. And I'm sure when I leave here, I will reminisce about it fondly and come to miss it as we are all a bit unsatisfied in the present and a little bittersweet about the past.

This age I'm at. This phase I'm at. It's all up and down. It feels like every move dictates everything. It feels like some clock is ticking and you have to scramble and get all the answers and obtain all the uncontrollables by a certain time. Or else...life won't turn out like you thought? Or what you think. Because the present is always rather unsettling. And I have to stop and realize that life doesn't “turn out” anyways. It just is.

Sometimes I'm not quite sure about my real appropriate answers. But then I ask myself a new set of questions. “Do you wish you had stayed where you were?” No. “Are the ups worth the downs?” Yes.

And then all my concerns kind of melt away. Because it's easy to answer one question when you have other opposing questions that are really easy to answer.

Whether we move physically, or move onto a new phase in our life, we're always moving. Even if I stayed in one place, I'd be moving. And those around me would be moving. And no one can compare either. But when everyone is moving in a certain common direction it can leave you uncertain about yourself and your direction. Then I ask the questions again, am I ready for that direction? No. Then why am I spending time worrying about it? I think people naturally do what feels best for them anyways. When you fight it, those disconnects cause some serious anxiety. The only anxiety I'm getting from it is that I feel as though my friends are aware that I'm in the ups and downs and could sit me down and say “ohhh Meg” and give me that pitiful look. The one you get when you've been there and gotten past there and are so glad not to be there. But what if you are not ready to move beyond there?

When I woke up today I was certain about a handful of things.

I was certain that I love the Olympics.

I was certain that I have a west coast bucket list that I intend to fulfill before moving.

I was certain that I would love to move to Brooklyn in one year and teach nutrition classes at a culinary school and take cooking classes.

I was certain that I love my family and my friends.

I was certain that if I stayed in LA, I would miss the seasons too much....The Stable Season Itch.

I was certain that I missed a certain someone and I was not ready to see that end.

And I was certain that wherever you go, there you are.